My Next Million

I laid a very long, perfectly straight turd in the toilet at my office just now, very similar to DookieMcLovin's long hard shit dick, but with one little round testicle to one side. I named it "Lance Armstrong". Unfortunately, I did not have any photographic equipment at hand, and I draw the line at having to run out of the office restroom to grab a camera and run back into the restroom.

Not having a camera handy is a constant problem for this Shitterbug contributor. But necessity is the mother of invention, so I just came up with the next great thing in the toiletry arts. Most of us have camera-phones these days, but why are there no "camera-toilets"? A small camera could be embedded in the underside of the toilet seat, facing down into the bowl. When the deed was done, and the depositor operated the flush handle, a photo would be snapped just prior to the corny goodness disappearing into the shitty hereafter. The camera-toilet could include a wireless network connection to upload the new image directly to Shitterbug!

Hey look! A book about shit!

Rorschach Stinkblot Test

Contemplating the soiled paper after a particularly messy poo, I folded it to reveal a new image for consideration. Would a psychoanalyst simply determine that I was uncreative if I saw the obvious butterfly or moth? Or would he or she issue a more damning diagnosis owing to the fact that I look for deeper meaning in my stains, then photograph them and post them online for the world to see?

What do you see?

My First Crappy Photo

As a new contributor to Shitterbug, I am thrilled to submit my first excrementalicious photo to the blog!

I am a bit of a Luddite, so I am always behind on procuring the latest technological gadgets. But when my 9 year old cell phone finally died a couple weeks ago, I decided to upgrade to a phone with a camera and email capabilities. Its compact, portable size now allows me the opportunity to discreetly carry photographic equipment into my office restroom and lovingly preserve the memory of my fecal offspring -- something that was not possible with my bulky digital SLR camera before. Amazing!

I purchased a data plan with my cell phone service, for unlimited web and email access, but I did not opt for a text messaging plan. My provider considers this "picture mail" as a text message, so I'll be charge 20 cents for transmitting this photo to myself. Therefore, this morning's sojourn into my office restroom joins the handful of times I've actually paid money to land a plane in the Hudson.

Plastic Letters and Numbers: It's What's For Dinner

This Toilet Is Awesome - Watch more free videos

All of this stuff would be really painful coming out of one's ass.

The 3.5 pounds of dry dog food experiment is disappointing. 3.5 pounds of sticky, clumpy canned dog food would have been the most similar to actual shit, and the real test of this toilet's flushing prowess.