"Everybody poops. Also, everybody deserves happiness. Therefore, from a logical standpoint, everybody deserves to be able to talk about poop with the person who makes them the most happy. However, that isn't always the case -- sometimes people are just too uptight about it when what they really need to do is unclench and just let it flow freely. The talking, that is. It'll make for a more relaxed, more intimate, more hilarious union."
It's bullshit but still funny:
Woman arrested for defecating on boss’ desk after winning the lotteryNEW YORK – A 41-year-old woman had the winning lottery ticket worth over 3 million dollars on Friday night, but showed up to work anyway on Monday to deliver one last package.
The courier company had no idea of her winnings. “I knew something was wrong because I came back from lunch and the door to my office was closed,” said the manager. I slowly opened the door to discover the woman with her pants around her ankles, hunched over on my desk like a hippopotamus/cheetah dropping a massive poo on my desk. She shot her head towards me and locked eyes. I was frozen in shock and fear. In my peripheral vision I saw a huge mud-monkey sliming out of her butt like a Play-Doh fun factory.”
“It was worth it,” the woman said on arrest. “On Friday when I realized I hit the lotto, I knew this would be the first thing I would do. I hit up every Mexican food truck and saved my dumps all weekend. I was shuffling around like a death-row inmate trying not to explode. I’ve been putting up with that guy’s shit for years, it’s time he put up with some of mine.”
So, yesterday I had a colonoscopy.
Being serious for a moment: when you turn 50, get one! It's one of the few cancer screenings you can have that 1) definitively tells you you don't have colon cancer and are not developing it and 2) if you do have early signs (polyps) they just cut them out while they're there! Don't procrastinate or make excuses. Do it. If you die from colon cancer these days it really is your own damn fault.
Ok, enough of that.
So in order to get a good view of your colon it has to be clean. So you prep for 24 hours, going on a clear liquid diet and then using a colon prep kit. You drink a bunch of fluid. The fluid contains a lot of salts. Then you drink a bunch of water. Your body wants to dilute all that salt in your colon, so it sends all the water there. Then all that water exits. Viola, clean colon.
It's not like a laxative that works by stimulating peristalsis. So very little or no cramping.
And you get to experience the thrill of pissing out your ass!
Ok, so I did that and then I went in and they stuck a long camera up my ass and that all went fine.
Then I could eat again.
Today I was envisioning that first food racing happily down the empty highway of my intestines. Woo hoo! Clean air!
But wait! I wondered, "What do turds prefer? Having an open road in front of them like after a colonoscopy? Or drafting behind other turds like they normally do?"
PoopLog is a free application that allows you to track your bowel movements using the Bristol Stool Scale on your Android powered device. Once you record the type of bowel movement, volume, and time, PoopLog allows you to attach a note, attach a photo, and even allows you to share any part of your entry with other installed applications (such as Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, SMS, Email, etc..).
I can't wait until I start seeing PoopLog shares on Fecebook!"
