This little girl had a perfectly shitty birthday party.

I'd steer clear of the chocolate cake if I were you.

No Title Necessary

What's Your Poo Telling You?

Amazon blurb:

With universal appeal (everyone poops, after all), this witty, illustrated description of over two dozen dookies (each with a medical explanation written by a doctor) details what one can learn about health and well-being by studying what's in the bowl. A floater? It's probably due to a buildup of gas. Now think back on last night's dinner, a burrito perhaps? . . .All the greatest hits are here: The Log Jam, The Glass Shard, The Deja Poo, The Hanging Chad . . . the list goes on. Sidebars, trivia, over 60 euphemisms for number 2, and unusual case histories all make this the ultimate bathroom reader. Who knew you could learn so much from your poo?

Love

COUPLES THAT ARE COMFORTABLE TALKING ABOUT POOP ARE THE HAPPIEST COUPLES

link

"Everybody poops. Also, everybody deserves happiness. Therefore, from a logical standpoint, everybody deserves to be able to talk about poop with the person who makes them the most happy. However, that isn't always the case -- sometimes people are just too uptight about it when what they really need to do is unclench and just let it flow freely. The talking, that is. It'll make for a more relaxed, more intimate, more hilarious union."

Woman arrested for defecating on boss’ desk after winning the lottery

It's bullshit but still funny:

Woman arrested for defecating on boss’ desk after winning the lottery
DAVE WEASEL

NEW YORK – A 41-year-old woman had the winning lottery ticket worth over 3 million dollars on Friday night, but showed up to work anyway on Monday to deliver one last package.

The courier company had no idea of her winnings. “I knew something was wrong because I came back from lunch and the door to my office was closed,” said the manager. I slowly opened the door to discover the woman with her pants around her ankles, hunched over on my desk like a hippopotamus/cheetah dropping a massive poo on my desk. She shot her head towards me and locked eyes. I was frozen in shock and fear. In my peripheral vision I saw a huge mud-monkey sliming out of her butt like a Play-Doh fun factory.”

“It was worth it,” the woman said on arrest. “On Friday when I realized I hit the lotto, I knew this would be the first thing I would do. I hit up every Mexican food truck and saved my dumps all weekend. I was shuffling around like a death-row inmate trying not to explode. I’ve been putting up with that guy’s shit for years, it’s time he put up with some of mine.”

Poopourri

"Poopourri spray promises to take the stink our of public pooping."