What happens after someone tears you a new asshole

I've always thought they taste like shit...

 ...even without the human excrement added.

Someone defecated inside a supermarket freezer onto a bag of Totino’s Pizza Rolls, then covered the mess with another package of the treats, police told the TV station.

“I grabbed the bag, I felt something smushy on the bag, so I turned it over and there it was,” Wright-Johnson said. “I was upset, I was disgusted, I feel like I was violated.”

The ride home was miserable, she said, even though she quickly scrubbed off her hands.

“All the way home [my kids were] still were like, ‘Mom, I can smell it, I can smell it.’ I’m like, ‘I smell it too, baby.’”

 

Who knew...

 ...that cute little wombats have cubed poop?

https://gizmodo.com/scientists-learn-even-more-about-wombats-and-their-beau-1846159392

Hostile Architecture

This slanted toilet was designed to increase productivity and decrease smartphone use by being painful to sit on for more than 5 minutes.

18” long Bristol Type 4

Awwwww yeeeaahhhhh....

 

Pooping For Dollars!

NY Times: Do You Have the Right Stuff to Be a Stool Donor?

Is this a new form of Yelp review?

Woman Furiously Shits On Floor Of Tim Hortons, Throws It At Employees

Feces Faces

Poop Train

Alabama endures New York City 'poop train' that 'smells like death'

PARRISH, Alabama -- A stinking trainload of human waste from New York City is stranded in a tiny Alabama town, spreading a stench like a giant backed-up toilet - and the "poop train" is just the latest example of the South being used as a dumping ground for other states' waste. In Parrish, Alabama, population 982, the sludge-hauling train cars have sat idle near the little league ball fields for more than two months, Mayor Heather Hall said. The smell is unbearable, especially around dusk after the atmosphere has become heated, she said. "Oh my goodness, it's just a nightmare here," she said. "It smells like rotting corpses, or carcasses. It smells like death."

Decisions, decisions

Don't Go To This Doctor!

Newsweek: SURGEON ACCUSED OF REUSING SINGLE USE ANAL INSTRUMENTS ON MULTIPLE PATIENTS

http://www.newsweek.com/surgeon-anal-instruments-patients-767104

...

Anal catheters are medical instruments which involve a tube inserted into a patient’s rectum for a number of reasons, including to insert fluids or gather fecal matter for testing, according to Forbes. As any reasonably sound person could conclude, the instrument becomes covered with bodily fluids and therefore, unsanitary, which is why a new one is required to be used for every patient.

...

But, a December 19 hearing revealed that Patankar may have used the catheters excessively. Evidence presented shows that 82 procedures requiring catheters—for people with problems such as constipation and fecal incontinence—were performed at his office during an 11-month time span in 2017. Instead of having purchased 82 instruments, records reveal only five catheters were ordered during that time.

Poop Talk!

Exclusive: It's all Poop Talk all the time in a new comedian-packed documentary about shitting

"Everybody poops, but most people don’t talk about it all that much. That could change with the release of Poop Talk, a new documentary from Comedy Dynamics. Randy and Jason Sklar’s new movie—in theaters and on VOD February 16—finds more than 50 comedians and actors telling their best poop stories, revealing their most embarrassing bathroom moments, and seeking bowel-based answers from actual scientific experts. Featured poop pals include Kumail Nanjiani, Nicole Byer, Adam Carolla, Rob Corddry, Nikki Glaser, Pete Holmes, Eric Stonestreet, Nick Swardson, and the venerable Dr. Drew Pinsky, as well as the Sklar brothers themselves."

Report: Doctors remove 28 pounds of feces from man born with rare condition

Yikes!

This little girl had a perfectly shitty birthday party.

I'd steer clear of the chocolate cake if I were you.

No Title Necessary

What's Your Poo Telling You?

Amazon blurb:

With universal appeal (everyone poops, after all), this witty, illustrated description of over two dozen dookies (each with a medical explanation written by a doctor) details what one can learn about health and well-being by studying what's in the bowl. A floater? It's probably due to a buildup of gas. Now think back on last night's dinner, a burrito perhaps? . . .All the greatest hits are here: The Log Jam, The Glass Shard, The Deja Poo, The Hanging Chad . . . the list goes on. Sidebars, trivia, over 60 euphemisms for number 2, and unusual case histories all make this the ultimate bathroom reader. Who knew you could learn so much from your poo?

Love

COUPLES THAT ARE COMFORTABLE TALKING ABOUT POOP ARE THE HAPPIEST COUPLES

link

"Everybody poops. Also, everybody deserves happiness. Therefore, from a logical standpoint, everybody deserves to be able to talk about poop with the person who makes them the most happy. However, that isn't always the case -- sometimes people are just too uptight about it when what they really need to do is unclench and just let it flow freely. The talking, that is. It'll make for a more relaxed, more intimate, more hilarious union."

Woman arrested for defecating on boss’ desk after winning the lottery

It's bullshit but still funny:

Woman arrested for defecating on boss’ desk after winning the lottery
DAVE WEASEL

NEW YORK – A 41-year-old woman had the winning lottery ticket worth over 3 million dollars on Friday night, but showed up to work anyway on Monday to deliver one last package.

The courier company had no idea of her winnings. “I knew something was wrong because I came back from lunch and the door to my office was closed,” said the manager. I slowly opened the door to discover the woman with her pants around her ankles, hunched over on my desk like a hippopotamus/cheetah dropping a massive poo on my desk. She shot her head towards me and locked eyes. I was frozen in shock and fear. In my peripheral vision I saw a huge mud-monkey sliming out of her butt like a Play-Doh fun factory.”

“It was worth it,” the woman said on arrest. “On Friday when I realized I hit the lotto, I knew this would be the first thing I would do. I hit up every Mexican food truck and saved my dumps all weekend. I was shuffling around like a death-row inmate trying not to explode. I’ve been putting up with that guy’s shit for years, it’s time he put up with some of mine.”

Poopourri

"Poopourri spray promises to take the stink our of public pooping."